


I Trust You

by Heronymus



Category: Firefly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-11
Updated: 2004-12-11
Packaged: 2019-04-29 07:19:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14467731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heronymus/pseuds/Heronymus
Summary: "Yeah, but I never told her."  It applies to more than just Kaylee.





	I Trust You

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Firefly’s Glow](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Firefly%27s_Glow), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Firefly's Glow collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/fireflysglow/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** Spoilers through War Stories. The poem is "Checkmate" by The poet Rumi.

  
Author's notes: Spoilers through War Stories. The poem is "Checkmate" by The poet Rumi.   


* * *

I Trust You

## I Trust You

"Sir?" 

"Zoe? Need somethin'?" 

"Sir..." 

She's angry, and scared, and hurt, and so, so proud of her pilot-husband, and glad to be gone of that monster Niska. She aint the only one, truth to tell, but that's neither here nor there. I see it in her face, now. Having a husband has changed her. For the good, I'll admit; scared there for a while she'd go hard as stone all the way through, not never know joy again. Much as Wash and I lock horns on things, he's been good for my hard right hand, my best friend, my war buddy. But not 'my Zoe', not any more. Which might be a part o' why I'm not too fond of Wash, all that often. But he's a good man. I should remember to tell him that more often. To tell all of them that, more often. 

"You wanna...go somewhere private? Have us a palaver?" 

"Yes, sir. I think I do." 

I hitch my shoulders, crane my neck, and we head off for the bridge. She heads off ahead of me, whispers something in Wash's ear, and he gets up and goes. No fuss, no muss, no words, no winks, no looking or laughing. He just goes. And I wonder if maybe there's something more going on than I know about. 

Zoe closes the door after I step through, and I lean against the console, and gesture for her to have a seat at the pilot's chair. It's where she oughta be in any event; I can drive a shuttle so-so, and I'm good at warming a seat and watching all the little lights stay green, but we come up on something important, Zoe's got a lifetime of ship-side livin' on me. She could fly Serenity, if it was needed. I don't have a mind to find out if that's true or not, though. 

"What's on your mind, _qin peng yu_?" 

"Sir..." 

"I think, if you've got somethin' to say to me, Zoe, we'd best not be in a 'sir' sort of mind." 

"Of course, sir. Mal." 

I nod. 

"Mal...I...it's about me and Wash." 

Here it comes. He's leavin', the best ruttin' pilot in the 'verse, for my money, and he's takin' my gorram second with him. 

"Zoe, if you and Wash gotta go, then you gotta go. I'm not sayin' I aint hurt, or angry, but anyone as can find themselves a bit of happy in the 'verse these days, I got no cause to hold 'em back. I'd take it as a kindness if you let me hunt up at least another pilot, before you jump ship--" 

And she laughs. Zoe is laughing at me. 

"What did I say that's so gorram funny?" 

"Si--Mal, Wash and I aint leavin'." 

"You're not?" 

She's got this look, one I aint real familiar with, and it hits me: it's pity. She's pityin' me. 

"Mal...Serenity is home." She smiles, and I swear it's a smile I aint never seen before, it's...she looks lovestruck. Not even when she was courtin' Wash, not even when they stood up to say their vows, did she ever get that look before, leastways where I could see it. But she's got it now. When she says the name of my boat. The name of _our_ boat. Hot damn. "You know I grew up on ship. And I tell you this, Mal; this ship, this crew, is about as close to home as I've ever been since I set foot off my momma's ship to enlist. If I can help it, I'm never leaving home again." 

She shakes her head, and the smile sorta...drains out of her. It's a terrifying sight, watching Zoe make a face that I've seen Kaylee make when I said the wrong thing. Makes me wonder what I've done to hurt her. 

"But that's sorta why I wanted to you, Mal. About bein' here, bein' on Serenity, me and Wash. About bein' home." 

"I'm a little lost in the woods at this point, I'm afraid." 

"Mal...I wanted to say I was sorry. And that I understand, if you want Wash and me to leave." 

"What? No, wait: what?" 

"If...if you don't trust me anymore. I understand. Wash and I, we talked about it." 

" _Wo tingjian suoyou de dongxi ben, nage zui ben_. Zoe, why in the 'verse would you think I'd stop trusting you?" 

"Because..." I have to take a second look, then, because sure as my nose she's got tears in her eyes. "Because I didn't pick you. I picked Wash." 

It takes a couple of tries to get my mouth working, and then I'm not sure what to say. So I stand up, and I put my hand on her shoulder, and she looks up at me, eyes shining for the first time since I ever met her. I have never seen this woman cry before, and I swear that makes me more angry than anything else. To think this woman, my right arm and closer to me than anyone, living or dead, hadn't shed tears to me. Thinks to sit here in shame, because of me. 

"Zoe...oh, Zoe. Of course you did. I know we never said it, not in so many words, but you're my best friend. Only friend, come to think, and I'd give my right arm to the shoulder before I hurt you intentionally." 

And I can feel the tears in my eyes, now, and I didn't feel this bad under Niska's hands. 

"I aint never been nothing but your boss, but you gotta know, you're the closest thing I got left to family. And there aint never been a moment in all the time I've known you that I didn't trust you to do the right thing. Of course you chose Wash; he's your husband. And as much as I might moan, I got no place to come between the two of you, and I wouldn't want you thinkin' otherwise. I trust you with everything, Zoe. You've been my right arm for as long as I can remember, and you gotta know I trust you with everything. When it comes down to it, I trust you with my life, and everything in it, including this ship and her crew. You don't ever have ta question yourself, not ever, when it comes to that kinda choice." 

She nods, and wipes her eyes, and borrows Wash's shirt, hung over the back of the chair, to wipe her nose. 

"Mal...I am sorry." 

"You got no call to be sorry, woman. I know why you did what you did, and I don't hold no grudge, neither. You picked right, and don't ever think you didn't." I grin at her, and she grins, a little weakly, back. 

"Besides, I knew you and Wash'd come back for me. Even when I didn't want you to. Niska was a dead man walkin' from the moment he laid hand on your husband, and I wanted a chance to see that happen. I figured it was as good a reason to hang on as any. So no more waterworks, y'hear? You go celebrate with your man some more. I'll take the watch." 

It's a brush-off, I know, and so does she. But neither of us are particularly comfy with the whole 'barin' of our souls' piece of the action. She stands up, and I step back, and there's no hug or handshake or nothin'; it's not the way of it between us. She nods, and I nod, and off she goes, leaving the door open on her way out. I sit down and check the comp, make sure we haven't veered off into the big empty, and then recline a bit, and watch the stars for a bit. 

Looking around the dash, I see that there's a book, probably something Wash was reading, something Book lent him. There's more to Wash than I often credit him, and I should make sure to let him know more often. Let them all know, more often. 

And a line catches my eye, as I'm looking over, and I stop and read the whole thing. 
    
    
         The soul is a newly skinned hide, bloody and gross.
         Work on it with manual discipline,
         and the bitter tanning acid of grief,
         and you'll become lovely, and very strong.
     
         If you can't do this work yourself, don't worry.
         You don't even have to make a decision,
         one way or another.  The Friend, who knows
         a lot more than you do, will bring difficulties,
         and grief, and sickness,
         as medicine, as happiness,
         as the essence of the moment when you're beaten,
         when you hear Checkmate, and can finally say,
         with Hallaj's voice,
    
         I trust you to kill me.
    
    

And I know she can't hear me, but I say it to her anyway; sometimes that's when truths are best spoken. 

"I trust you to kill me."

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

Title:   **I Trust You**   
Author:   **Heronymus**   
Details:   **Standalone**  |  **G**  |  **gen**  |  **7k**  |  **12/11/04**   
Characters:  Malcolm, Zoe   
Summary:  "Yeah, but I never told her." It applies to more than just Kaylee.   
Notes:  Spoilers through War Stories. The poem is "Checkmate" by The poet Rumi.   
  



End file.
